you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
