i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
