I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
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