I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
