Your mouth is God's brothel.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
