last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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