I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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