nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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