Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
