So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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