I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
