you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
