the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
