I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
