my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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