So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
