that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
