I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
