Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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