i wish my penis had a tongue
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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