Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
