I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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