I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
