New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Randomize
