I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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