then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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