But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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