I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
then he tried to convert me to islam
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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