I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
