new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
