I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
wanna go halves on a baby?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
