Umm I'm too high to move.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
