so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
