rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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