ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
