my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
