I heard we made out
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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