I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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