If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
