i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize