Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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