Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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