he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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