smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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