I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
