How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
