My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
