Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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