I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize