There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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