this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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