Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize