I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
