you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
