at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
