Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize