McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
