My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
