I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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