Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
