Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize