I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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