For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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