i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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