my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
