I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
