The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize