moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
