Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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