Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
