I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
