I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
