Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
